weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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