Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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