The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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