I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
