Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
