At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize