If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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