he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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