i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize