Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
