True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
