Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
