Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
