life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
