Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
