no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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