Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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