God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
