i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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