This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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