I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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