I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
