Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
