You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
