I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
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I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
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So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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