I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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