She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
