the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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