I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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