tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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