i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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