I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
