he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
