I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We have started to decorate penises.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
