Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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