woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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