The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
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Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
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I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
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