I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
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Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
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You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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