Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
