It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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