Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
