Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i now understand why vodka
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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