i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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