Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
