If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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