Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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