I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
