I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
