never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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