i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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