There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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