so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
