dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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