my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
