I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
