What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
