He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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