dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
