My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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