you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
