Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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