Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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